Unhealthy motivation?

What message are you sending your kids? Brene Brown's quote that spoke to my heart. "We live in a world where most people still subscribe to the belief that shame is a good tool for keeping people in line. Not only is this wrong, but it’s dangerous." When you teens do something wrong what is your first response? Often we say things like, "you should have done (you fill in the blank), "if only you" (you fill in the blank), "what's wrong with you?". What is the message that these statements send to our kids? You made a bad decision or choice and you should feel ashamed of yourself. What is the danger of this kind of motivation? Well, our kids become fixed in their mindsets when they are afraid of being shamed. Many teens would rather not try than be shamed. Others, look for the easiest possible thing they can do and succeed at that they are sure they can accomplish. When we are motivating our teens with shame, we are limiting their possibilities. When we are motivating our teens with shame, we are discouraging them from looking at failures as learning opportunities, but instead instilling fear. What things need to change in your communication with your teen today?